Necrophilia and Llamas
by Hopeless27
Summary: Shishido is a necrophile, Hiyoshi is a mushroom, Jirou dreams about llamas, Mukahi is amusing himself with writing a chain letter, Oshitari is pissed and Atobe totally regrets inviting the Regulars over to study. T for language. Utter Crack. Atoji, Dirty


**Rated:**** T**

**Summary**** Shishido is a necrophile, Hiyoshi is a mushroom, Jirou dreams, Mukahi is amusing himself with a chain letter and Atobe totally regrets inviting the Regulars over to study.**

**Pairings:****Atoji and Dirty**

**Category: ****humour**

**Characters:**** Hyoutei**

**Disclaimer:**** Je ne owneth pas PoT (yes that was Franglais, cuz I'm bored)**

* * *

_This is my list of stupid Hyoutei drabbles…._

_**Hyotei Phobia**_

_**Hyotei Library Session**_

_**Bets and Lovers**_

_**Book of Stupidity**_

_**Fights and Idiots**_

_**Switching Places**_

_**Book of Stupidity 2**_

_**Melting Ice**_

_**Lost in Tennis**_

_**Of Cameras and Attention**_

_**Street Tennis**_

_**Ore-sama's journal**_

_**Advice from Jirou**_

_**The Park and the Church**_

_**The Accident**_

_**Unhappy Information**_

_**Hospital Food**_

_**Help from Jirou**_

_**Reconcile and Resolve**_

_**Atobeism**_

_**Getting Out**_

_**Catching up aka BOS3**_

_**Daycare and Librarians**_

_**Special Buchou**_

_**Sesame Street**_

* * *

"What's necrophilia?" Mukahi suddenly asked one day, when the regulars were in Atobe's library, studying.

"Where did you find that?" Atobe asked.

"I dunno... I saw the term somewhere…"

"Necrophilia is a sexual attraction to corpses…" Oshitari explained.

"Ewwwww, so like, you do it with a dead guy?"

"Basically"

"But don't they have like… worms?"

"Gakuto, that's only from movies…"

"Oh…"

The room fell into a round of tranquility again, the only sound heard, was the servant pouring drinks to the regulars. However, it being Hyoutei, the silence probably wasn't going to last, it was surprising that it started in the first place.

"I'm BORED!" Mukahi declared.

"Shut up! Nobody cares!" Shishido hissed at Mukahi.

"I'll sing until somebody does!" Mukahi said and drew a deep breath.

"Atobe, you wouldn't have earplugs, would you?" Oshitari asked Atobe.

Atobe was currently off in his own little world and obviously couldn't hear Oshitari because he himself was wearing earplugs. He was also being a meanie and wasn't sharing the earplugs.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and it goes like this…"

"…"

"Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves…"

"SHUT UP!"

"And it goes like this…"

"FUCK YOU!"

"I know a song…"

"Just ignore him, Shishido-san," Ohtori suggested.

"I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and it goes like this… I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and it goes like this…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Wah, Yuushi! Shishido's a whatever-phile and wants to molest my dead body!"

"Necrophile, Gakuto."

"YOU'RE TOO UGLY TO MOLEST!" Shishido screamed at Mukahi.

"NO I'M NOT!" Mukahi screamed back, "Am I ugly, Yuushi?"

"No, you're too cute," Oshitari pecked Mukahi on the cheek.

"Bleh, don't make me feel like I'm watching a sappy movie!"

"Well, I'm bored again!"

"Go write a chain letter or something…" Hiyoshi muttered.

"Yeah, and I'll send it to that Kikumaru bastard and maybe it'll kill him!" Mukahi grinned and started typing on his laptop.

Atobe took out his earplugs, "You just HAD to remind him."

"…"

The little study group fell into silence for a few minutes, save for the occasional snicker from Mukahi. That is, after the few minutes, Jirou woke up.

"Kei-chan!"

"Jirou?"

"I had a dream!" Jirou jumped on Atobe's lap.

"About what?" Atobe asked.

"That some evil llamas attacked us! And then, and then, a piano attacked us… and then… a mushroom saved us!"

"Okay… forget ore-sama asked."

"Does the mushroom have anything to do with Hiyoshi?" Ohtori asked.

"Me?" Hiyoshi looked up, surprised, "What has mushrooms have to do with me?"

"Waka-kun!" Jirou pointed to Hiyoshi, "Shroom-head!"

"I think I need a haircut…" Hiyoshi mumbled before going back to whatever he was working on.

Oshitari turned, "The student rankings are going to be posted tomorrow, right?"

"We already know the rankings," Shishido rolled his eyes, "Atobe is first and Oshitari is second."

"I'm third, right?" Jirou asked.

"Well, you always manage to get third, even though you sleep through all of your classes," Atobe said, "And half your exams."

Jirou pouted, "It's not my fault…"

"By the way, Mukahi-senpai is awfully quiet…" Ohtori glanced at Mukahi, who was busy typing away.

"…What's Muka-kun doing?" Jirou asked.

"Writing a chain letter of some sort…" Atobe sighed.

Mukahi suddenly gasped, clasped his hands together and kissed the screen, "You're such a marvel…"

"Are… you … feeling… okay, Mukahi-senpai?" Hiyoshi asked.

"YES! THIS IS THE BEST!" Was Mukahi's way of answering.

The team leaned over to read the text Mukahi had typed:

'_OMG THIS IS SOOOO FREAKYYYYYYYYYY THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE AND YOU MUST READ IT AND SEND IT TO 4000 PEOPLE WITHIN THE NEXT 2 SECONDS OR YOU WILL DIE INSTANTLY! It happened to my Uncle! I swear you can even see his grave, where it says: "The dear and departed James Bond. Died because of THIS EXACT chain letter." Here is how this chain letter works. _

_First, it gives you HIV positive, and then you will get AIDS in the next second._

_Then you will receive multiple types of CANCER! I swear this is ALL TRUE! On my GRAVE! __  
__The doctor examined my dear Uncle James's body. In addition, I was tested too! ALL POSITIVE! (My very hot body wink wink) _

_Then a bunch of EVIL MONKEYS will attack you in the middle of the night, totally destroying your DENTURES! (Yes, no one knows it, but everyone in the world has DENTURES in the middle of the night, the tooth fairy proved it to me! It was a wonderful discovery, and you must keep this a secret so that no one knows. It is a deadly secret. If you know it, the tooth fairy will only pay you ONE CENT every time you loose a tooth!)'__  
_

"Mukahi, are you on drugs?" Atobe was compelled to ask.

"Go away, I'm working!" Mukahi waved Atobe off.

"If only he works this hard studying, maybe he WON'T be last!"

"Well, I'm first if you count backwards…" Mukahi said absentmindedly.

"…That's not a good thing." Oshitari pointed out.

'_Your poop will turn green (if it wasn't already) and your urine will turn BLUE! YES, I KNOW! BLUE! –GASP- HOW CAN IT BE SO! (If it wasn't already of course...) _

_Your hair will instantaneously turn PURE WHITE (the ugly type) and FALL COMPLETELY OUT strand by strand by painful strand! (YES, JAMES BOND IS VERY BALD!)_

_All your teeth (or DENTURES) will spilt and crack and FROGS, YES FROGS, will come jumping out and EAT YOU ALIVE! (Yes, that happened to my dear departed Uncle, James Bond, AFTER he died!)_

_This is the freakiest email EVER here is more proof of how it is real. Different things happen to different people, depending on the person (or their level of retardedness, which would be EXTREMEMLY retarded, compared to ME! Yes, even James Bond was VERY retarded LIKE YOU! But a little less so...)'_

"Uh… Mukahi-senpai?" Ohtori cautiously touched Mukahi's shoulder.

"That's it, he finally snapped," Shishido sighed, "He's as retarded as ever."

"Mukahi, go get a life, buy one on eBay or something." Atobe said.

"You can buy lives from eBay?" Jirou asked.

"…"

'_Urashima Ringo was a 19 year old university student with very high hopes of her future as a __**male**__ stripper. However, something happened when she got this email. First, she didn't think that the email meant anything so she deleted it without sending it to ANYONE. However, what happened next was gruesome. EVIL LLAMAAS ATTACKED HER HOUSE! They spat all over EVERYTHING, and then continued to mow her lawn with SCISSORS! Although her lawn was mowed, she was devastated! When, her neighbours commented on how it was the most DISGUSTING lawn ever. THEN THE LLAMAAS ATTACKED THEM TOO! MOWING THEIR LAWNS WITH SCISSORS AS WELL! Yes, I know, this is the disgusting truth. Then she went out for the groceries, and a piano fell on her the same time as her period came and a moving van hit her and the piano... ALL INSTANTANEOUSLY! IN AN INSTANTANEOUS DEATH! This is all that is left of poor Urashima... a lonely little email that killed her. YES KILLED HER!_'

Oshitari reached and felt Mukahi's forehead, "His temperature's normal…"

Mukahi currently had an insane look to his eyes…

"Sugee! Can I write the next part?" Jirou bounced off Atobe's lap and in front of Mukahi's laptop.

"Go ahead," Mukahi pushed the laptop towards Jirou.

_Now, Uncle Sato, which was what everyone who knew him called him, received this email and only sent it to only one, ONE, person within the two second limit (It happened to be his boss, and he was fired right after he died). His computer sent him a message that said OSAMA BIN LADEN LOVES YOU! And he died INSTANTANEOUSLY right there from the horror. Oh and, by the way, Michael Jackson was in the dark room holding a butcher's knife and laughing maniacally in the nude while the lights flashed on and off INSTANTANEOUSLY! Trust me; this is true. (I mean how can you NOT trust me? It's ME!)'_

"How does he know about Osama Bin Laden and Michael Jackson?" Shishido asked, rubbing his forehead.

"He reads random magazines that his brother sends him from Boston," Atobe explained.

"My turn!" Mukahi snatched the laptop back.

'_Zerchekytechzancoonieuberglaster Daporcachinodelafrappe was a magician that took this email seriously although he could have magically made it disappear and die an INSTANTANEOUS death! He did not and sent it to 4000 people within the two second time limit (yes because he was __**magical**__, he was able to stop time, BUT YOU CAN DO IT TOO! you just need to go to the library and borrow the TIME CONTROLLING BOOK, read it, understand it for it is very difficult, and apply it WITHIN one second.) Zerchekytechzancoonieuberglaster Daporcachinodelafrappe was able to live to his full life time, which is about another two seconds considering his roof collapsed by a passing LLAMA parade. IT IS THE FATE OF THE EMAIL! He contracted HIV, the AIDS virus, and all possible known AND unknown forms of cancer within ONE SECOND. This is absolutely, totally, factually, honestly, candidly, INSTANTANEOUSLY, definitely, infinitely, THE GODLY TRUTH! I SWEAR IT! AND WHO CANNOT BELIEVE ME!??! THE GREAT WIFE OF JAMES BOND[Yes, I married him although I am his nephew, which is why it says DEARLY departed on his grave; I made that word up custom for him! My poor love! I cried for two seconds (Yes I like that number) when he died that skipped happily away into the arms of my love, my ONE TRUE LOVE, Urashima Ringo! Then she died because she read this email and didn't do as it said, so I married my OTHER one true love, Urashima's MOM! Who died as well... so I married her husband... her DAD... but they all died... I guess I'm fated to marry dying people... –tear-'__  
_

"Mukahi-senpai finally snapped, now I can gekokujou him…" Hiyoshi mumbled to himself.

"Shut up, I'm having fun!"

"I think he should stay away from the computer for a while…" Ohtori said.

"…Fu…fu…fu…"

"Uh-oh, Oshitari's pissed!"

"Why?" Jirou asked.

"Something about Mukahi marrying James Bond… and Urashima…?"

"Oh…"

'_Isn't this the best email you have received in, like TWO SECONDS?! _

_REMEMBER! 4000 PEOPLE WITHIN TWO SECONDS! And if you don't know that many people, FIRST: You are SUCH A GAY LOOSER, and SECOND: You had better find more friends in ONE SECOND. __  
__And If you aren't GOOD at making friends, well then TOUGH LUCK YOU GAY LOOSER YOU ARE GOING TO DIE WITHING TWO SECONDS! (That means you KIKUMARU!)_

_End of Message. Time is ticking, SEND IT NOW!'_

Mukahi punched in Kikumaru's email address, plus a couple more for good luck and pressed the send button.

"Yeah, um, can we send him to the insane asylum?" Hiyoshi asked.

"Ore-sama thinks that Ore-sama needs to check in to an insane asylum…" Atobe rubbed his forehead.

"…Oi Oshitari, do you mind if we duck-tape your boyfriend's arms, legs and mouth?" Shishido asked.

"Go ahead," Oshitari said nonchalantly, working on mathematics.

"Yuushi! You traitor!" Mukahi got up and pointed an accusing finger at Oshitari.

Oshitari just turned away, "Your fault for marrying dead people…"

"I DID NOT MARRY DEAD PEOPLE, SHISHIDO'S THE NECROPHILE!"

"I AM NOT A NECROPHILE!"

"YES YOU ARE!" Was the last thing that came out of Mukahi's mouth as the duct tape went on…

Oshitari had fun that night taking the duct tape off Mukahi…

* * *

_**A/N: **__Yeah, don't ask, the chain-letter is one I wrote with a friend of mine a LONNNGGG time ago, I was going through my email one day and found it… forgive me if I offended anyone with the necrophilia, James Bond, Bin Laden, HIV and AIDS, Cancer, etc. Ahem, I was probably high on like redbull when I wrote this so… ahem… lmao…_

_**E/N**__: Angela…I have only one thing to say to you…YOU FREAKING FAILLLLLL!! UGHH. If I die at 20, I blame you. I'm not gonna leave anything to you when I die either. You are too much of a failure to get my stuff…not that you'd want any of it anyways…oh yeah and you fail. Oh and __my brother had an Atobe moment. he said that I wasn't worthy of looking at him. He doesn't even know who Atobe is…_

_ Oh, and I will work on Stalker and stuff... one day... just not now... cuz I'm high... on... stuff...  
_


End file.
